Thursday, February 28, 2008

Hope Management

'tis the stage I'm in. Sigh.........................

So I had my second RE appt on Tuesday, and got good news and bad news. The good news is that I OVULATED! *cue choirs of angels singing!!!!!!!* The bad news is that this time around (unlike last time) it appears that male factor is an issue.

We're hoping that my husband's bad habit of hour long hot showers to relieve the stress of finishing a dissertation for a couple months almost every night is the culprit, and he's since stopped doing this *incredibly stupid for someone who is t.t.c. and only to be overlooked by two not quite with-it people* thing. Sure seems like it would be an issue, doesn't it?

So today I am deep in the stage of hope management. Even though my RE said she was surprised we'd ever conceived "spontaneously" with his counts the way they were, I feel like my body is hyper-sensitive (Do I feel nauseus? Was that a twinge of boob pain I just felt? Am I extra tired?) and it's annoying me. I remember my old PCP (best doctor ever) saying that every single early pregnancy symptom is something you can create in your mind, so we are all better off just waiting for our periods. Easier said than done. I am actively trying to rewrite the tape in my mind to look forward to getting my period on Monday since it's the first period I'll have gotten that is not provera or bc induced in, oh, I don't know, forever. Since maybe I was 14. But it seems that little bit of hope keeps creeping back in.

Last night I was thinking of how I could tell my husband I was pregnant by putting a little "I'm the big brother" shirt on my boy and just having him walk in to get my husband up one morning. And then I got so mad at myself. How dare I feel hope?

So I wonder what the right thing to do is. A part of me still feels like I should indulge my hope because what use is there in being disappointed before I need to be, especially if I don't need to be. But I do hate looking a fool, if you know what I mean.

At least I'm busy today.

CD 28
9 or 10 dpo
1500 mg metformin
prenatal vitamin


Believer in Miracles (hard not to be when one sleeps in the next room.)

Thursday, February 21, 2008

the feeling.

I've officially entered the 2ww. And I'm feeling it. And it doesn't feel good.

Today is my birthday. Want to guess what I'm wishing for?

Does this look like the clomid/met combo worked it's magic again to you, or is it just me?

Monday, February 18, 2008

A Pissy CD 17 with a positive ending.

I'll start with the positive ending.

I've been doing an ovulation predictor kit even though they say PCOSers can get false positives and even though I never did one before when I was ttc, pi. Just thought I'd do it, and if I remember correctly, Dr. Fox even recommended it.

So I had a couple negative results--and yesterday evening when I took one, it was CLEARLY positive! Especially when I put it up to the other ones. So, maybe I'm about to ovulate. Trying as though I am. :)

And then there was the pissiness of yesterday. Sometimes when I look at my toddler deep in the throws of a tantrum, which happens, oh, daily, around here, I can't help but see myself in him. Yesterday I had a silent little tantrum at my church--which by the way has to be the most fertile place on the planet! As I watched a couple of pregnant ladies walk up for communion I just felt overwhelmed with sadness. Now, I am happy for these women, most of whom I know personally and love and I am glad they're having their babies! But...I just kept thinking (even though I know it isn't always so simple) they decided to have those babies, stopped using birth control and eventually got pregnant. Maybe even the first month. I can't help but wonder what it feels like to decide to have kids and then try and then have them. (As opposed to deciding to have kids, trying for 9 mos with not a single period before the fertility specialist will see you, having that appointment cancelled, waiting another month, seeing the specialist, going on meds, never ovulating, going on more meds, seeing the doctor all the time, and then (and I know the good part is the same for us all) I did get pregnant and have a baby. . .I just am feeling sad for myself that my story has so many more parts and I wish it were more simple.

Friday, February 15, 2008

my absence.

I'm busy pretending that infertility is not an issue for me, busy ttc.

because it's CD 15 and I'm not in the reality phase of ttc, si just yet.

sometimes I'm quite grateful for the shocking degree of denial I am capable of...

sure I'll be roused from my denial around CD 26 and I'm back at the dr.

but, frankly, this is pretty nice for now.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

it was a fluke.

I think I'm still glad I was thankful that day for how good I felt.

Too bad it didn't last.

I think it was probably more the result of my mind and heart working together to keep me in a moderate state of denial.

Or else it was that dangerous hope thing creeping back in--that state of mind I wish I could exist in because in so many ways it feels the most 'right'.

Either way, I woke up the next day and cried off and on all day. I saw some reality show I've never seen before called "Jon and Kate Plus 8" and just watching the little siblings playing together seemed to get me going....I certainly don't envy the demands of caring for 8 children (twins and sextuplets if you haven't seen this show) but as someone who loves her sibling (all 3 of them) and who loves sibling love, I guess it was just hard for me to watch and not think about my boy and our struggle to give him that experience.

I am also on clomid (100 mg) now. Yesterday was CD 5, so I'll be taking it til Saturday. It has somehow intesified my met. symptoms (cramping, etc.). . .sigh. Maybe that is what got me.

I don't know.

I'm in the market for a bad habit. Suggestions?

I think I hate the loss of control that comes with infertility more than just about anything. Probably why I tend to feel better on the days I'm taking pills (the clomid esp., yesterday's emotional outpouring is an exception) because I feel like I'm doing something.

I feel out of control. The good day was as much out of my control as the bad seem to be.

So, like I said, I'm in the market for a bad habit. Something I can control, preferably.

CD 6
Metformin 1500mg
Clomid 100mg

Monday, February 4, 2008


So, I am not sure what to write today.

I remember having an idea about something to write a few posts back, but it wasn't coming out right when I tried, and then I decided to save it for later, and then I I guess it wasn't that interesting or insightful anyhow, so consider yourself lucky to have been spared the ramble.

It is CD 4. I start clomid tomorrow, I have an HSG on Friday. If I conceive this month it'll be somewhere between Valentines (Day 14) and my birthday (Day 21) which is kind of fun. Dr. F. (Anyone watch Arrested Development? Every time I write "Dr. F" I hear "Mr. F" in my head. . .) said that it's common for PCOSers to ovulate late when taking clomid (which I read somewhere has something to do with the increased frequency of PCOS early miscarriages. . .) and she said if I had an idea when I ovulated when I conceived the little one, it would likely be the same for me this time around. Well, I am fairly certain I conceived on day 21 last time....I recall a strange "glowing" feeling that day and remember thinking "too late for ovulation, too early for period". And then I was pregnant.

So I was saying I don't quite know what to write. I do feel (today) more like I am a person who is trying to get pregnant more than I feel like I am a person struggling with infertility. My husband and I realized the other day that if I ovulate but do not conceive this month, the days we'll be set to try next month are literally the EXACT days I'll be out of town, so no-go for March if I ovulate this time around (and don't get pregnant). I was pretty surprised that I didn't feel that knife-like pain in my heart when we realized this. Instead, I thought, well, baby boy was conceived in March, so if we conceived again, their birthdays would be too close together, so it's not too big a deal.

I think it's just early in the process for me. I can think of no other explanation for my casual attitude.

I also wonder if it's just as simple as God answering our prayers and helping me feel peace about life in general lately. It's funny how I can pray such things--for a change in my feelings, which of course God is completely capable of changing--and then when they do change, I'm like, "huh, that's weird. why don't I feel bad...." I almost feel myself chasing the bad feelings, unnerved by the peace.

I hope I get pregnant in the next couple weeks. I would love to see a new little baby in November. But today I feel like if I don't get pregnant this cycle, it'll be okay til next time we get to try.

So, thank you God, for today, and for not feeling like my life hangs on the next two weeks.

Friday, February 1, 2008