hmmm.

So, I am not sure what to write today.

I remember having an idea about something to write a few posts back, but it wasn't coming out right when I tried, and then I decided to save it for later, and then I forgot...so I guess it wasn't that interesting or insightful anyhow, so consider yourself lucky to have been spared the ramble.

It is CD 4. I start clomid tomorrow, I have an HSG on Friday. If I conceive this month it'll be somewhere between Valentines (Day 14) and my birthday (Day 21) which is kind of fun. Dr. F. (Anyone watch Arrested Development? Every time I write "Dr. F" I hear "Mr. F" in my head. . .) said that it's common for PCOSers to ovulate late when taking clomid (which I read somewhere has something to do with the increased frequency of PCOS early miscarriages. . .) and she said if I had an idea when I ovulated when I conceived the little one, it would likely be the same for me this time around. Well, I am fairly certain I conceived on day 21 last time....I recall a strange "glowing" feeling that day and remember thinking "too late for ovulation, too early for period". And then I was pregnant.

So I was saying I don't quite know what to write. I do feel (today) more like I am a person who is trying to get pregnant more than I feel like I am a person struggling with infertility. My husband and I realized the other day that if I ovulate but do not conceive this month, the days we'll be set to try next month are literally the EXACT days I'll be out of town, so no-go for March if I ovulate this time around (and don't get pregnant). I was pretty surprised that I didn't feel that knife-like pain in my heart when we realized this. Instead, I thought, well, baby boy was conceived in March, so if we conceived again, their birthdays would be too close together, so it's not too big a deal.

I think it's just early in the process for me. I can think of no other explanation for my casual attitude.

I also wonder if it's just as simple as God answering our prayers and helping me feel peace about life in general lately. It's funny how I can pray such things--for a change in my feelings, which of course God is completely capable of changing--and then when they do change, I'm like, "huh, that's weird. why don't I feel bad...." I almost feel myself chasing the bad feelings, unnerved by the peace.

I hope I get pregnant in the next couple weeks. I would love to see a new little baby in November. But today I feel like if I don't get pregnant this cycle, it'll be okay til next time we get to try.

So, thank you God, for today, and for not feeling like my life hangs on the next two weeks.