Wednesday, February 6, 2008

it was a fluke.

I think I'm still glad I was thankful that day for how good I felt.

Too bad it didn't last.

I think it was probably more the result of my mind and heart working together to keep me in a moderate state of denial.

Or else it was that dangerous hope thing creeping back in--that state of mind I wish I could exist in because in so many ways it feels the most 'right'.

Either way, I woke up the next day and cried off and on all day. I saw some reality show I've never seen before called "Jon and Kate Plus 8" and just watching the little siblings playing together seemed to get me going....I certainly don't envy the demands of caring for 8 children (twins and sextuplets if you haven't seen this show) but as someone who loves her sibling (all 3 of them) and who loves sibling love, I guess it was just hard for me to watch and not think about my boy and our struggle to give him that experience.

I am also on clomid (100 mg) now. Yesterday was CD 5, so I'll be taking it til Saturday. It has somehow intesified my met. symptoms (cramping, etc.). . .sigh. Maybe that is what got me.

I don't know.

I'm in the market for a bad habit. Suggestions?

I think I hate the loss of control that comes with infertility more than just about anything. Probably why I tend to feel better on the days I'm taking pills (the clomid esp., yesterday's emotional outpouring is an exception) because I feel like I'm doing something.

I feel out of control. The good day was as much out of my control as the bad seem to be.

So, like I said, I'm in the market for a bad habit. Something I can control, preferably.

CD 6
Metformin 1500mg
Clomid 100mg

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