so........

I am pregnant.

Strangely Numb.*not a pregnancy announcement.

I am still waiting on my period. I took about ten pregnancy tests (I think that's an exaggeration, but only slightly so) between Friday and Sunday. All negative. I took the ept test I got and it kinda looked positive, but I'm pretty sure I could just see the blue where it was supposed to turn positive if it was positive. I looked very closely.

I was proud of myself yesterday because I just sat, cramping, waiting for my period, which did not come. I didn't poas all day. Oh, and all that achy boob stuff? Gone.

Because I'd had a positive opk on both CD 17 and CD 18, I kind of just figured I'd ovulated on CD 19, not 18 like I'd thought and that I'd get my period today.

I had plans all morning, but I'm an hour into naptime and have gone crazy enough (what with all the free time to think) to poas.

I used one of my off-amazon-crazy cheap-paper-shredder style hpts.

Now I'm just staring at it and trying to figure out if it is positive because it doesn't really look like it is, but I'm not fully convinced it's not.

And wouldn't a hpt be really freaking obviously positive at this point? 14 dpo?

I'm kind of unemotional (hence the title). I just feel like I deserve the answer. I hate the 2ww and I had to add a day this time, and my cycle is already longer than most people's because I ovulated late.

ANSWERS!

I'll update because this stupid hpt has me crazy enough to go get an ept at CVS if my period doesn't arrive before dinner.

She's coming.

I feel it. My period is on its way.....not here yet, but imminent.

CD 32

Things I did yesterday.

• poas, negative.
• bought another pregnancy test, an ept because I think they're more accurate.
• read on the side of the box that the test is only 53% accurate 4 days before your missed period.
• willed myself not to waste the ten dollars I spent on the test by poas again.
• obsessed over my potentially not but if not my mind is surely a powerful thing achy boobs.
• ate six, yes SIX reese's peanut butter eggs because I can not resist at easter time and I am a comfort eater.
• weighed myself to check the effect of dining on peanut butter eggs for lunch. (thus far, no effect.)
• was too sensitive to my toddler's totally toddler-like behavior, which included crushing graham crackers into the couch with pure joy, over and over again. and then again.
• ate some sushi.
• watched Thursday's dvred episode of lost.
• went to bed at 9.

CD 30
11 or 12 dpo
1500 mg metformin
prenatal vitamin

PCOS
MF

Hope Management

'tis the stage I'm in. Sigh.........................

So I had my second RE appt on Tuesday, and got good news and bad news. The good news is that I OVULATED! *cue choirs of angels singing!!!!!!!* The bad news is that this time around (unlike last time) it appears that male factor is an issue.

We're hoping that my husband's bad habit of hour long hot showers to relieve the stress of finishing a dissertation for a couple months almost every night is the culprit, and he's since stopped doing this *incredibly stupid for someone who is t.t.c. and only to be overlooked by two not quite with-it people* thing. Sure seems like it would be an issue, doesn't it?

So today I am deep in the stage of hope management. Even though my RE said she was surprised we'd ever conceived "spontaneously" with his counts the way they were, I feel like my body is hyper-sensitive (Do I feel nauseus? Was that a twinge of boob pain I just felt? Am I extra tired?) and it's annoying me. I remember my old PCP (best doctor ever) saying that every single early pregnancy symptom is something you can create in your mind, so we are all better off just waiting for our periods. Easier said than done. I am actively trying to rewrite the tape in my mind to look forward to getting my period on Monday since it's the first period I'll have gotten that is not provera or bc induced in, oh, I don't know, forever. Since maybe I was 14. But it seems that little bit of hope keeps creeping back in.

Last night I was thinking of how I could tell my husband I was pregnant by putting a little "I'm the big brother" shirt on my boy and just having him walk in to get my husband up one morning. And then I got so mad at myself. How dare I feel hope?

So I wonder what the right thing to do is. A part of me still feels like I should indulge my hope because what use is there in being disappointed before I need to be, especially if I don't need to be. But I do hate looking a fool, if you know what I mean.

At least I'm busy today.

CD 28
9 or 10 dpo
1500 mg metformin
prenatal vitamin

PCOS
MF

Believer in Miracles (hard not to be when one sleeps in the next room.)

the feeling.

I've officially entered the 2ww. And I'm feeling it. And it doesn't feel good.

Today is my birthday. Want to guess what I'm wishing for?

Does this look like the clomid/met combo worked it's magic again to you, or is it just me?

A Pissy CD 17 with a positive ending.

I'll start with the positive ending.

I've been doing an ovulation predictor kit even though they say PCOSers can get false positives and even though I never did one before when I was ttc, pi. Just thought I'd do it, and if I remember correctly, Dr. Fox even recommended it.

So I had a couple negative results--and yesterday evening when I took one, it was CLEARLY positive! Especially when I put it up to the other ones. So, maybe I'm about to ovulate. Trying as though I am. :)

And then there was the pissiness of yesterday. Sometimes when I look at my toddler deep in the throws of a tantrum, which happens, oh, daily, around here, I can't help but see myself in him. Yesterday I had a silent little tantrum at my church--which by the way has to be the most fertile place on the planet! As I watched a couple of pregnant ladies walk up for communion I just felt overwhelmed with sadness. Now, I am happy for these women, most of whom I know personally and love and I am glad they're having their babies! But...I just kept thinking (even though I know it isn't always so simple) they decided to have those babies, stopped using birth control and eventually got pregnant. Maybe even the first month. I can't help but wonder what it feels like to decide to have kids and then try and then have them. (As opposed to deciding to have kids, trying for 9 mos with not a single period before the fertility specialist will see you, having that appointment cancelled, waiting another month, seeing the specialist, going on meds, never ovulating, going on more meds, seeing the doctor all the time, and then (and I know the good part is the same for us all) I did get pregnant and have a baby. . .I just am feeling sad for myself that my story has so many more parts and I wish it were more simple.