green

i am a jealous infertile person.

last time around, i feel like the thing i was always learning about was control--that i was not in control of my fertility, my family, my life. . .(of course i still fight this all the time) but this time around when I feel myself trying to take over I can look back at those years of my life and say, "remember....." and I do.

but now i'm fearing (yes, fearing) that the area God will be pushing me to grow in is jealousy.

a couple nights ago i ate with two friends, one single and one married with three young kids, including a set of twins, one with a heart condition. After my single friend started crying relaying a story of her own jealousy of a recently married friend the three of us realized we'd all trade our own lives (in some ways) for each others, problems included. give me the freedom of single life over infertility and the demands of raising a toddler! Give me the problem of three under 2 1/2! And they both said they'd take my infertility over their lives.

we all envied each other. and it was eye-opening and it was ugly.

when i hear that friends are pregnant, which as a 28 year old with many young married friends, I do ALL THE TIME, I am not happy instinctively. I am jealous. There is a physical pain involved that takes time--more than i can afford to spend--to heal. Just this weekend I learned of a friend, a close friend who is "accidentally" pregnant with her second (her first is four months younger than my son!) and I just went out of commission for the rest of the night, and through to the morning even after not sleeping well.

and to admit this instinctive level of jealousy which is ultimately selfish--I mean, what is it other than saying, "I deserve that!"--to admit this, is shameful. and the cycle continues. . .

i hate infertility.

CD 87
Metformin 1500
12 Days til RE appt!