this new blog.

This is a new blog for me. I blog my family life elsewhere, but I need to blog my infertility life, too, I've decided, and frankly, I am not sure my readership over there could handle it and I'm not sure I want to find out. Oh, they know what is going on, but they don't know.

I am a woman. A wife and a mom. I have Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome (and I hate those words more than any others in the whole world...I hate even typing them. Hate them. Hate them. I hate them.) and my husband and I are trying to get pregnant.

I never decided I wanted to be a mother, it was just there. . .can't explain that, but I just knew. I was doodling not only my name next to my crushes' names, but also baby names before I'd even had a real boyfriend. So the pain of my infertility began at fifteen, when I was diagnosed with PCOS....I met my husband when we were nineteen and after dating for less than a year I felt compelled to tell him we may never have children, if we were to marry. (I knew, like many women do, but he wasn't yet convinced.) It was one of the scariest conversations I'd ever had. He married me anyway, and we stayed on birth control for two and a half years because we were naive and thought we might get pregnant accidentally.

The day my neice was born, we went off birth control. Eighteen months, three rounds of clomid, two months of metformin, lots of tears, dozens of doctors appointments, one pcp, two fertility specialists, one false positive pregnancy test and too many real negative ones, fervent prayer, angry exchanges with my God and a lifetime's worth of yearning later I learned that I was pregnant. Eight months later my little man entered the world.

The day I learned I was pregnant a fog was lifted. I no longer wondered if I would ever be pregnant. Of course I was terrified I'd lose the baby and even had a couple extra ultrasounds simply because I felt so well that I just knew my baby had died. But a huge thing had happened and I knew it. I could get pregnant! I was pregnant, and the life inside me made me a mother and no one could ever take that away.

The joyful blur of the first year of motherhood coupled with the lifted fog numbed the pain of infertility...until that familiar yearning returned this summer, around the time my little man started sleeping really well (and by extension so did I!). . .I want another one.

So here I am, officially trying to conceive. again.

Will you join me?

CD 84
1500mg Metformin
first re appt, Jan 22