a little peanut butter and jelly sandwich (in)fertility update

had my appointment with the new re (reproductive endochronologist), Dr. F, this morning. the highlights:

• on the way was frustrated by a delay due to a funeral procession and thought about how odd it was that death was delaying my quest for new life. (and then how crazy I am to get frustrated at a funeral procession, especially one that was only four cars long which is more than kind of sad.)
• arrived only to wait for literally ten minutes for the elevator in the parking garage. i was annoyed, but not as annoyed as the woman I waited with who was in labor and experienced three contractions while we waited. at one point we made eye contact and she started crying, and then i started crying.
• realized that my new office is not just a women's health center, but an office of "reproductive medicine". The upshot of this is that I was not surrounded by pregnant women. the downer? I was surrounded by a lot of women dealing with infertility and it was sad. i felt a very strong bond to all the women i saw in there, my heart was full for each of them. this is hard.
• the doctor was running an hour late. I learned later this was due to an earlier hystersalpingogram that was (to quote Dr. F) "challenging". She described in detail for me how the patient cried and cried through the whole thing, in so much pain and that it got so bad she almost refused to complete it, but the woman begged her to do it. (i can barely type this, I just hurt for this woman) Dr. F. then strongly recommended I get the same procedure in about two weeks. The same part of me that identifies with that woman's pain knows I will agree to do it, though I haven't officially decided yet.
• two pages of another woman's file were found in the middle of my records from my old clinic. Dr. F hadn't heard of any of the doctors I'd seen in the past, and I could tell she dismissed them because of this. She wondered aloud why the OB I saw in December didn't prescribe me clomid (she said my case was so straightforward). When I told her that she said it would have been unethical for her to prescribe it as she didn't know enough about clomid, Dr. F said, "She is an OB? Well, I guess if she felt it would be unethical, I have to respect her for not prescribing it." Basically, Dr. F was wholly unimpressed with my treatment thus far, but did note, "I guess that in the end it was them [said with excessive disdain] that got you your beautiful baby, though". I felt a little defensive of them, esp. considering they did, in fact, get me my beautiful baby boy.

are you wondering where the pb and j comes in? here it is:

so, get this: Dr. F declared at the end of her presentation of my treatment plan that we do not have a fertility problem. I have an ovulation problem. (so to clarify: I am the one with the problem. Yes, it is me who has the problem. Problem is mine.) She said, "when you ovulate, you get pregnant." Isn't that a hilarious thing to say?! It's true, I suppose because as a nearly thirty (okay, I'm 13 months away, but still, NEARLY THIRTY!) year old woman I've ovulated once and I do, after all, have that little egg all growed up sleeping in his crib at the moment.

Okay, so I've been thinking about the whole "you don't have a fertility problem" statement and it just doesn't make sense to me. I mean, that egg problem sure seems to be a fertility thing, doesn't it? I mean, it's like saying that if you have no bread, but you've got peanut butter and jelly you don't have a pb and j making problem but a bread problem. But you know, if I was in that situation, with a surplus of the pb and the j but no bread, I'd say I was having a pb and j making problem.

okay, I admit, once I started typing all that out it sounds a bit different than when I was brainstorming a few hours ago and when you start getting all technical with the analogy, you know, thinking, "wait, so what is the peanut butter in this comparison? and what is the jelly?" it actually has a lot of potential to get more than a little gross and offensive. Perhaps I should have stuck with the basics and not attempted to get creative....oh well.

I honestly feel great, tired from the stress of the appointments (my blood pressure was WAY up--it's usually on the low side and today was pretty high), but excited about the two prescriptions I have now, the four appointments I have in the next month and hopefully the chance for another baby.

I had a moment today, at the office, when I held onto that possibility for more than a second (which is usually my self-imposed limit) and it felt good. really good. great even.

ps. i do know that thirty (or 28 11 mos is young, esp when it comes to fertility stuff, don't get me wrong.)