this morning I was feeding my son some milk just after he got up and I was thinking about infertility, more specifically about treatment and I just felt overwhelmed with feeling like I can't do this again, and not only that, that I don't want to.

don't get me wrong. I want a baby. Of course I do.

It's just that I go to these infertility support message boards, read about PCOS, look at other infertile women's blogs (actually, I should say women with infertility, my sister is educating me on person first language) and I just feel beat down with all the work that goes into making a baby for those of us for whom it doesn't come easily and I just get mad. really mad. really really really mad.

and i, frankly, do not think it is fair.

although, as my pastor says I don't think anyone really wants to be treated fairly. You know, as a whole, in my life, to be treated as I deserve. I have a sense of the depth of ugliness of my heart, the sinfulness of me that is actually only a fraction of what God sees (and loves me anyway--ALLELUIA!).

However, I sure feel like I deserve a(nother) baby most days. but when I look at the little boy sleeping in his crib now and when I think about the past thirteen months (and one week) with him I know I've never once felt like I deserved him, not even a little bit. Ever since meeting him, even when I just found out I was pregnant, I was overwhelmed by the knowledge that this human was a GIFT. And not at all one that I deserved.

So I'm thankful for him, my boy. But I am (way more than) a tad bit grumpy. And I'm tired and nervous about embarking on treatment again. And I wish I didn't have to do all this junk and could just try to get pregnant because my body worked.

Oh, and have I mentioned that to top off the grumpiness/lack of fairness, this time around my body is suffering many more of the side effects of metformin? Last time around I was a little sick for about two weeks and then a few weeks after that I got pregnant and felt fine. I've been on metformin for nearly three months now and I still get horrible cramps about three times a week. Insult to injury, I tell you.

grumble grumble.

(remember how I said I see my own sinfulness? much of this entry is proof of my sense most of the time that I deserve whatever it is i want. what a spoiled girl I am!!)

CD 91 (isn't this absurd?!)
Meformin 1500

grumpy, tired.