alone.

maybe the hardest part about infertility, especially when it's my PCOS that is at the root of infertility in this family, is that it's so isolating.

i have always been blessed with friends. GOOD friends. I have a dear friend that has been by my side through everything since middle school. I have four amazing college roommates with whom I still have monthly phone conferences/bible studies. I have five extremely close friends from church. And on top of that I have two sisters! (oh, and my mom, sisters in law, aunts, mother in law, etc....women everywhere!) God has richly blessed me with beautiful women in my life.

Of those women, two have even an inkling of what this is. one is a friend who struggled with infertility for several months before conceiving her daughter--she is now enjoying a surprise pregnancy so I feel like I shouldn't even count her among those who know this pain. (but the honest part of me knows she has felt probably more than a little bit of it). the other is my sister, who is engaged to be married, has PCOS and struggles even now knowing it might be a problem. But she hasn't done most of this pain (yet--hope she never does).

So it's me.

And my husband supports me, but he does not feel this. Infertility is not his thorn, as it is mine. And I think it is less a struggle now that our boy is here. But he does know it's mine and loves me through it--but that's just it, he's loving me through it. it's mine.

infertility is mine.

alone.

misery loves company, and my misery is seeking company and it's not there.

i hate it.